The Zong

Is there a more boring day for progressives than the fucking Michigan primary? I was just sitting here thinking about how hilarious it is that, for the purposes of selecting a representative to be leader of the free fucking world, Michigan isn’t even part of the United States today. Unless you’re a Republican, in which case, the following two tidbits about your possible front-runners should prove somewhat hilarious.

Wearing his lucky green sweater and clutching his lucky penny, McCain visited a polling place early in Traverse City.

“It’s going to be a very close race,” he told reporters who outnumbered voters at the polling site shortly after voting began. “We’re confident because of the enthusiasm at the town hall meetings and the rallies but we’ve got a long way to go.”

That’s right. John McCain has a lucky green sweater and a lucky penny, and evidently the Straight-Talk Express runs on eye of newt and magic farts. I don’t know much about the penny, and maybe it’s an Indian Head or something, but someone should tell the man that lucky charms should usually have some sort of rare quality about them. This isn’t to say I haven’t had a few lucky pennies in my day. In fact, I think I had close to 1,000,000,000 of them. When I was seven years old. I guess the sweater is fine because McCain is kind of Irish-sounding, and I guess praying to Leprechauns for a win in Michigan is pretty much the same as anything.

But today is exciting in one place: Mitt Romney’s Magic Underwear!

Romney, stressing his experience running the Salt Lake City Olympics as well as a venture capitalist, has called McCain a pessimist. He has said he would restore Detroit’s lost power by lifting the regulatory burden on companies and boosting research to generate new jobs.

“I spent my life in the private sector. I didn’t spend my life in government. If you only talked, and didn’t get things done, you got fired,” Romney told supporters at the rally.

I guess that’s pretty inspirational. I mean, Obama’s speech in Iowa was pretty great, but it doesn’t really compare to “If you only talked and didn’t get things done, you got fired.” Let’s be honest here: wouldn’t America be awesome if it was being led by an arrogant, rich executive asshole? If Romney wins the presidency, I’m sure his first act will be to make every man, woman and child in the whole country interview for their jobs.

- M.G.