The Zong

So what did I miss?

This prolonged absence, a product of shoddy computer manufacturing (don’t ever, ever buy a Toshiba. Ever.)  and an influx of busy work, has given me time to kick back and look at the giant open sore suppurating out at Candlestick Point. Every week brings with it an opportunity for me to launch into a bilious tirade on Monday morning, but I swear that the team is so much worse than expected that watching them play simply sucks the desire to do anything at all right out of me.

2-6 isn’t a great record to have halfway through the season, but it’s worse than all that; I watched the first two victories of the season, against the Cardinals and Rams, and unless you can convince me that the Niners were just toying with them, I’m going to continue to be shocked that the team isn’t 0-8 right now. You heard it here first: The Santa Clara 49ers are the worst 2-6 team in football.

I don’t even want to know what’s wrong anymore. I don’t care who’s getting the blame for this, and I really couldn’t care less that the team has had some injuries. Healthy or not, this team is absolutely impossible to watch without groaning or puking or killing something, and I don’t fucking care how it gets fixed, I just want it to stop being so horrible.

I realize that we should be taking the season one loss at a time, so maybe I shouldn’t look past this week’s Monday night drubbing by the Seahawks on national television, but I can’t wait for the Niners to match up next week with the winless Rams, who look to remain winless this week against the Saints. The 49ers escaped with a win against them earlier in the season, and I’m sure the Rams are looking at the game as the only opportunity they have to get in the win column, so it looks to be a fantastic, exciting place-kicking duel. I’m trying my best to sell my tickets to that game, but the best offer I’ve gotten so far entails me hand-delivering the tickets to someone who then gets to beat the shit out of me for being a season ticket holder in the first place. I’m waiting for an actual monetary offer, so if you’re interested, let me know.

As one last added insult, let’s remember that the more games the Niners lose, the higher the New England Patriots get to draft in the first round. Aren’t sports fun?

- M.G.