The Zong

Imagine that you’re a farmer. Just imagine it. Now imagine that you’re a farmer in the State of Qatar. I’m not sure what you farm in Qatar, but the Wikipedia suggests that you probably farm pearls or natural gas, so your life is probably pretty peaceful. Anyhow, imagine that one day, as you sit quietly watching your herd of pearl necklace-clad natural gases serenely grazing in your fields of whatever, a giant explosion on the grounds of your farm shatters any illusions you might have that your country will remain untouched by war, bringing about memories of the colonial rule of the British and Ottoman Empires that the Wikipedia just told me about.

Then, imagine that you are told that the explosion was an errant Patriot missile, sent to your front door by the United States of America, and then you read a quote like this:

“Those things are not supposed to accidentally discharge,” said Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman. “It was not supposed to happen.”

I don’t know how to say “No shit, motherfucker” in Arabic, but I’m sure it sounds hilarious.

Maybe the headline is only barely HOF material, but I’m putting it up there anyhow. I wish someone at Reuters had the wherewithal to come with a headline like “Errant Patriot Bombs yet Another Islamic Nation,” but that’s neither here nor there. As it is, I think we can all agree that when someone at the Pentagon refers to any of our advanced weaponry as “those things,” it doesn’t bode well for anyone within range, much lest anyone in the entire Middle East.

Babs Boxer’s office called the Chronicle and has released a short statement making it sound as if Al Gore is off to fight global warming all by himself with a goddamned sword and crossbow:

I just got a call from Vice President Al Gore. He told me that he needs to travel abroad tomorrow for an exciting and urgent mission that could result in a major breakthrough in the fight against global warming.

This has touched off the inevitable speculation that Gore will be awarded the Nobel Prize tomorrow in Norway. Putting aside for a moment that this might be a little too predictable a move for those cheeky Norwegians, it would be kind of cool to see Gore accepting the prize and then using his acceptance speech to endorse Dennis Kucinich for president.

Now that it’s October and rumors of a Gore presidential campaign seem to be about as credible as theories that a demolition team from Halliburton brought down the WTC on 9/11, I guess maybe I’m starting to think that Al Gore is the world’s biggest political cock-tease. His standard answer that he had “No plans to run” was deliberately ambiguous, kind of like having a few drinks with a girl who’s out of your league and who has “no plans to sleep with you.” I mean, I’m not all that hungry right now, so I have “no plans to eat a giant hamburger with six strips of bacon on it,” but I certainly am not ready to tell you that it’s not going to happen at some point. The real fuck-all is that if you really want to see me eat that hamburger, you’re not sure when exactly you should give up hope, which is a crappy way to live your life, man.

I guess it’s possible that Al Gore will win tomorrow and then declare his candidacy as a third party candidate, just to fuck with everyone, or maybe he’ll endorse Obama just to piss Bill off, but my money is on a third option: That Gore will win the Nobel Prize tomorrow, repeat his plans not to plan to run for president, grow a beard, and then wait for someone to nominate him to the position of “Climate Change Czar.” Then he can wear one of those crazy Russian hats and start referring to Hillary as “My little Babushka.” Sweet.