The Zong

Senator Dianne Feinstein
United States Senate
331 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20510

September 25, 2007

Dear Sen. Feinstein:

As one of your constituents, I was perusing your voting record the other day and could not help but notice your vote of “Yea” on Amendment 2934 to H.R. 1585, namely the amendment condemning “personal attacks on the honor and integrity of General Petraeus and all members of the United States Armed Forces.” As I am a registered, voting Democrat and you are a former Mayor of my home city of San Francisco, I can appreciate your enthusiasm for large government. I do find it troubling when my elected representatives on the federal level decide to take time to address issues that they probably shouldn’t, such as “Freedom Fries” or Terri Schiavo, especially when our country is at war, but since I’ve voted for you twice now, I guess I should afford you an opportunity to explain to me why this issue is so important that it deserves the attention of the Senate and of my elected representatives in said legislative body.

While your staff is working out your reply to my inquiry, I thought maybe I’d point out some advertisements (while we’re condemning ads) that I find similarly offensive to the MoveOn.org ad that I would like to see the Senate address with ineffectual, non-binding legislation:

• Kraft cheese recently ran a television ad for their Cheese Crumbles, beginning with the invocation: “Let’s Get Ready to Cruuuumblllle!” It then chooses as its heinous soundtrack the hit single “Unbelievable” by the band EMF, but chooses to change the refrain to—and I’m quoting here—“You’re CRUMBelievable!” Putting aside the obvious disregard for decency here and this product’s overall contribution to our great nation’s obesity problem, I’d like to see a resolution condemning the word “crumbelievable” because it shows a lack of respect for English scholars everywhere.

• I’m interested in seeing a blanket condemnation of any and all ads for fast food chains that feature slender, attractive people. Many of these ads have cropped up recently, and the most recent of these ads is the “Flat Buns” commercial for Carl’s Jr., which features a shapely young woman dancing in titillating fashion as part of a campaign ad for an exceptionally fattening hamburger. Condemning ads such as this would send a strong message to the American people that the Senate will not allow greedy burger vendors, through blatant, salacious verisimilitude, to pass off their gristly (but tasty) products as health food.

• Comcast out here in San Francisco is still running an ad that I find insensitive to our cherished Asian community, featuring a man tattooed as a tiger having a phone conversation with a supposedly Asian-sounding tattoo artist who concludes the conversation by saying “Sorry Rogah, you tigah now!” This commercial should be condemned because I laugh at it every time it comes on, and it makes me think that maybe I’m a racist.

This is by no means an exhaustive catalog of ads I’d like to see condemned, and I will be compiling a much more comprehensive list as time goes on, to be furnished to your office (and Speaker Pelosi’s), probably in Microsoft Excel format (if you guys can open that kind of file) and replete with running times, media outlets, photocopies and links to YouTube. I’ll be happy to post your reply on my Weblog (www.theZong.net) where I hope it will stimulate a lively discussion about the Democratic-controlled Senate’s current job-approval rating of 11%. Thanks for your time and efforts in preserving our country’s security from public dissent, and I look forward to your reply.

Warm Regards,

Matt Glaser
San Francisco, CA

P.S. – Next time you see Senator Boxer, please let her know that I found her appearance on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” to be pretty hilarious.

cc: Speaker Nancy Pelosi, The San Francisco Chronicle

- M.G.