The Zong

I’m not hearing a lot of people say it, so I’m gonna go ahead and just say it:

I fucking love cloning.

There. It had to be said. This week, our congressional representatives tried to pass a ban on human cloning for reproductive purposes. For reals. It’s all right there in black and white:

House Rejects Bill to Ban Human Cloning

When I read this headline at first, I didn’t think much about it. Then I thought, holy shit! The future is now! Wrap your mind around it if you can; cloning is so real, Congress is passing laws against it!

Of course, this isn’t the first time they’ve done that. I remember everyone freaking the fuck out when those crazy Scots cloned Dolly the sheep, which was supposed to be like the 3rd seal being opened on the way to the effing apocalypse. It wasn’t long before the dread specter of cloning hung over all of our heads, as if one day we’d all be cloned if we left a few stray cells laying around, only to come home to find our wives cheating on us with ourselves, or have our names ruined by rogue clones pouring sugar in people’s gas tanks and nailing kittens to trees and shit.

Try as they might, our congress hasn’t been able to truly ban cloning, and this latest bill was no exception. The Republicans, who by all accounts think cloning is NOT COOL, actually blocked the passing of the ban because it was “phony” and only banned reproductive cloning, not the cloning used to produce embryonic stem cells, and lord knows we’d rather have a shitload of clones running around than even THINK of allowing scientists to cure a bunch of diseases that are killing people.

What does it all mean? Much to my vociferous euphoria, it means that embryonic cloning is legal! Right now! I’d be really excited to go out and try and clone myself, if only so I could tell my clone not to make the mistakes I made as he gets older, but as it turns out, it’s not exactly an outpatient procedure just yet.

“Because the federal government has prohibited academic institutions from working on embryos, we really know almost nothing about human embryos in the beginning stages,” says Susan Fisher, a stem-cell scientist at UC San Francisco.

That blows. Why the hell do we need to ban it then? Is it to prevent our world from being completely taken over by clones of this adorable baby?

Once again, we reach a point where Republicans and their crazy schemes fuck my brain but good. They don’t want us banning cloning unless it includes the banning of cloning human stem cells because they value life so much, but expanding the ability to do this research could actually save the lives of millions of people with horrible diseases? I’m pretty confused, so I guess we’re just left with what Weird Al Yankovic says about the whole thing:

“I Think I’m A Clone Now”

Isn’t it strange
Feels like I’m lookin’ in the mirror
What would people say
If only they knew that I was

Part of some geneticist’s plan (plan-plan-plan)
Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
There in a petri dish late one night
They took a donor’s body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say

I think I’m a clone now
There’s always two of me just a-hangin’ around
I think I’m a clone now
‘Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

Look at the way
We go out walking close together
I guess you could say
I’m really beside myself

I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan)
They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
Born in a science lab late one night
Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view

I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
There’s always two of me just a-hangin’ around
I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
‘Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
And I can stay at home while I’m out of town
I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
‘Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

Signing autographs for my fans
Come and meet the carbon copy man
Livin’ in stereo, it’s all right
Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say

I think I’m a clone now
Another one of me’s always hangin’ around
I think I’m a clone now
‘Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
I’ve been on Oprah Winfrey - I’m world renowned
I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
That’s my genetic twin always hangin’ around
I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)
‘Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I’m a clone now (a clone now)

- M.G.