The Zong

Man, it must be good to be a Mets fan these days. After all those years of being pissed on by the Braves and outnumbered two-to-one by guys wearing Jeter jerseys on the subway, you finally have a team of brawlers that are good enough to draw a crowd to that giant blue septic tank you call a stadium on the weekends.

Life only gets sweeter for you when Armando Benitez takes the mound at Shea. I watched the proceedings last night, and after seeing Omar Vizquel save the game in the 9th with his spectacular play, then seeing him score the go-ahead run in the top of the 12th, I was just about ready for bed.

I woke up this morning with my fists still clenched, but for a moment I forgot what I was angry about. Benitez fucked my mind so violently that I actually forgot what happened.

Then I turned on the radio, and it all came back to me. KNBR has been taking phone calls all night, since Delgado’s walk-off, and people are still calling in this morning trying to make up new cuss words for what Benitez did last night. On national television, no less.

Oh Mets fan, it must have been tough to hold your beer, so great was the euphoria at seeing Sr. Gasolina balk the tying run into scoring position just before balking him home, but I’m sure you managed. Still, seeing Delgado end it with his second homer of the day might have been too much for you to take. That kind of condensed sweetness can have adverse affects on the brain after so much misery. I advise you not to watch the rest of the series. Go take it easy for awhile.

Over here in Giants country, the tiny win streak that the starting rotation put together has been nicely flipped by Armando Benitez, that fat fuck who has all our money. Two losses in the last few games, plus countless examples of his inability to get more outs than runs allowed, and we get this quote right on cue:

“I have to take the consequences. Tomorrow’s a new day. I’ll come back tomorrow. You’ll see. You’ll see what I can do.”

In front of God and everybody, he says this.

If Benitez is still a Giant by sundown, I’m gonna find me a gypsy to put a curse on the front office of the Giants, ensuring that Peter Magowan barfs all over himself every time he tries to say the lineup is “better than OK,” and that Brian Sabean’s feet start burning with the fury of a thousand suns every time Joe Nathan records a save. A pox on all your houses!

- M.G.