The Zong

Last week, I predicted the early exit of the Colts, Cowboys, Giants and Jets. Three out of four ain’t so bad, so I’ll stick my neck out once again for your edification.

Indianapolis @ Baltimore
Why the hell does Baltimore get to have a good football team? Tom Clancy wrote a book where an American city needed to get blown up by a nuclear explosion, and he chose Baltimore. Some would point out it’s proximity to D.C., but I think he just felt that it was the biggest city he could get away with blowing up, because it’s a shithole. With that in mind, I suppose Indianapolis could have been on the short list for fictional vaporization, so let’s call this game the “I’m Glad I Don’t Live Where You Live Bowl.” Indy looked pretty decent last week even though I told them they wouldn’t. They have a fleet-footed, undersized defense built to stay off the field. K.C.’s pop-warner offensive effort made it pretty easy to forget that Peyton threw three picks last week, and Baltimore usually doesn’t squander those kinds of opportunities. Expect at least one defensive score by Baltimore, but they’d better not shut out Peyton, because I never want to see the headline “Quoth the Ravens: Never Score” again. (Ravens 24 - Colts 20)

Philadelphia @ New Orleans
What does one do with two feel good picks like this on the table? I mean, the press this game is getting makes me think that people will start calling me “Katrina” if I pick against the Saints, but on the other hand you’ve gotta love what Jeff Garcia is doing for the confidence of Hispanic albino quarterbacks everywhere (except in Dallas). It’s a tough one, alright, but nobody pays me to sit around and not make predictions all day. The Eagles have, I think, a pretty significant advantage on defense, but they’re going against Drew Brees, who has quietly put up some decidedly stupid numbers this year, including a dramatic comeback against the Eagles earlier in the season. Nevertheless, Jeff Garcia is playing like someone is going to murder him if they lose any more games (he must live in Philadelphia), and his “intangibles” might be the difference in this game. Add in David Akers’ tangible ability to kick field goals, and I think we have a winner. To hell with it: call me Katrina. (Eagles 27 - Saints 24)

Seattle @ Chicago
Man, do I ever long for football in the snow! It’s a good thing that not everyone in the playoffs has a wussy indoor stadium or plays in a state where the thermometers don’t have negative numbers on them. Chicago has been a Super Bowl favorite for the whole season, which means they’re probably not even going to make it there, but Seattle really doesn’t have the juice to beat a good team outside of Qwest Field, and if Rex Grossman can limit his interceptions to three or less, you’re looking at a messy, frostbitten cakewalk. Also, look for Barack Obama to announce his decision to run for president before the NFC Championship. (Bears 28 - Seattle 10)

New England @ San Diego
The San Diego LaDainian Tomlinsons have truly looked like monstrous world beaters this season, fielding an offense comparable to recent juggernauts like the 2004 Colts, the 2004 Eagles, the 2003 Colts, and the 2001 Rams. Their defense is balanced and well-coached, and they have arguably the best player in football in their backfield. However, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that all the above teams, for all their vaunted firepower, ran afoul of the Brady-Bruschi-Belichick Era New England Patriots in the postseason, and the results were all about the same. With the strange voodoo Patriot hexes of Mike Shanahan firmly dispatched by the San Francisco 49ers a few weeks ago, one wonders if there are any coaches left standing in the AFC that can stand up to this fearsome playoff automaton. That said, it gives me pause to pick against these Chargers. They have a different look about them than previous also-rans, and there is always the chance that L.T. will score five touchdowns in one game, but Tom Brady is playing with a goddamn chip on his shoulder right now. He may win another ring this year, but it won’t bring Bridget back. Win one for yourself, Tom Brady! She doesn’t deserve you! (Pats 31 - L.T. 28)

- M.G.