The Zong

You ever watch Tony Snow’s White House Press briefings? It’s like watching someone try to give a really big dog an enema while it’s running through a cornfield.

It occurred to me that Friday’s press briefing had kind of a contentious tone, like maybe the press is getting a little tired of Tony Snow’s bullshit every day. It reminded me of someone getting grilled by their boss about something, and so I’ve posted a small tidbit here, to demonstrate what I’m talking about.

The thing is, you need to pretend that the press corps is the Vice President of Synergy, and that he’s called Tony in to ask him some questions about the plan for the company’s “New Way Forward.” I’ve posted the exact transcript with a couple of changes. The President has been replaced with “Little Johnny,” Donald Rumsfeld is now “Creepy Gonzalez,” and Robert Gates is replaced with “Billy Hotpants.”

Vice President of Synergy: “So, where is Little Johnny in the process of determining the new way forward? Are consultations continuing?”

Tony: “Yes.”

VP: “With whom?”

T: “Well, with whomever he wishes to speak with. I mean, the point is there is not — this is not something – Little Johnny now has got a lot of people doing a lot of work. He’s going to ask them to report back to him on a number of tasks that have been assigned. This would include people in Accounts Payable, it will include people at Human Resources, it will include those gathering information in the mailroom.

“There are also ongoing consultations with other executives and other companies. So it is not — I cannot tell you exactly who he’s going to be talking about on which day, because, frankly, that will evolve in terms of the information he thinks he needs and the people he needs to speak to.”

VP: “Has he given them deadlines?”

T: “Not that I’m aware of.”

VP: “And do you have anything further on when he, himself, is likely to make an announcement?”

T: “No.”

VP: “How much of the policy will reflect Creepy Gonzalez and how much Billy Hotpants? Will we still see the fingerprints of Gonzalez on this?”

T: “You’ve got to understand that Little Johnny is the person responsible for making the decision, so it will be Little Johnny’s decision. And there will be many people who have input, so I think the most important thing is Little Johnny does, of course, accept responsibility for crafting a new way forward. And there are a lot of people who are going to be involved in the process, but, ultimately, he is the one who has to make the important decisions.”

So, if you were the boss, how do you think Tony’s answers would hold up?

- M.G.