The Zong

Yup, the San Francisco Giants sure are getting younger these days. Seems like only yesterday we were listening to owner Peter Magowan concede that, when it comes to Barry Bonds, maybe “Stay the Course” was a bad policy. It wasn’t yesterday, but this article was written October 3rd of this year. By a moron:

It wasn’t as if a figurative tsunami hit Giants headquarters Monday afternoon at 24 Willie Mays Plaza. But even a blindfolded umpire could see that a definite and long overdue sea change has taken place for a Giants team in desperate need of change.

Do tell…

“We know older and experienced hasn’t worked,” Sabean said. “By virtue of going down that path and being below .500, finishing third. We’ve been extremely disappointed.”

The Giants, Sabean said, are going to see if having “younger and healthier” players works better.

Amen, brother! If the rapture’s today, someone grab my steering wheel! Mission accomplished!

You can imagine the surprise of this Giants fan when these headlines came to pass:

Giants re-sign second baseman Durham to 2-year deal
(Durham is 35)

Giants reach agreement with Dave Roberts
(Roberts is 34)

Giants reach deals with Aurilia, Feliz
(Aurilia is 35. Feliz is horrible. And 31)

Giants Finalize Deal with Catcher Molina
(Molina is 32, which is like 40 in catcher years.)

Even so, I figured the Giants must know something I don’t. Like maybe they were building a time machine to go back and sign Vladimir Guerrero like I said they should have. Still, I felt that maybe Magowan had been spending too much time in the used Carly Simon section looking for bargains rather than springing for the new Carrie Underwood album, all sealed up with that neat little red line that you pull on to open it for the first time.

And so, when it was announced that the Giants are paying at least sixteen million dollars to sign a 43-year old who will miss at least one game a week when he’s healthy, I shouted rather loudly, “Heavens to Betsy!” or something like that.

So Magowan lied to me. He lied to everyone, including his wife. If the President of the United States can be impeached for lying about a blowjob, then how is it that this man is still allowed to walk around free as a bird, throwing caution to the wind and throwing around quotes like this:

“It’s a tough decision,” Magowan said. “But the decision’s going to be made on what gives the Giants the best chance to win. It’s not going to be made on what gives the Giants the best chance to fill up a ballpark or some marketing situation.”

Liar! Mentiroso! Menteur!

So now we have two professional sports franchises in San Francisco who are owned by gigantic, lying assholes. How did it come to this? I don’t mind being lied to about certain things by certain people in certain situations, but this is no longer acceptable. I’d love to think that Brian Sabean isn’t done, that he might find some time to maybe go out and find a starting pitcher or a closer who doesn’t force me to watch Seinfeld during the ninth inning of every Giants game, but you know, I’d like to think a lot of things.

- M.G.