The Zong

From the “Carry a Big Stick” file, we have this surprising revelation that North Korea isn’t really afraid of us, and that they are pretty much only at the six-nation talks in Beijing for the food and electricity. Nevertheless, bad-ass America is in the house, and we’re gonna let those commies know that their obstinance won’t fly with the U S of A.

North Korea set out sweeping demands yesterday for scrapping its nuclear arms programme and the US warned that its patience was running out — an inauspicious start to six-party talks after a year-long hiatus.

As for what will happen when our benevolent patience finally runs out, like the sands of freedom through an hourglass shaped like Martha Washington? Well, I’m sure those details are being worked out right now.

At least, I hope they are. Colin Powell, who ran a war in Iraq before it was cool, seems to think that there really aren’t any more soldiers or resources in the American army even to send to Iraq, much less to threaten North Korea or Iran.

Powell said US troops should not act as policemen. He described the US army as “about broken”, with a shortage of equipment, officers going on repetitive tours and gaps in military coverage elsewhere in the world.

“The current active army is not large enough and the marine corps is not large enough for the kinds of missions they are being asked to perform,” he said.

It’s surely no secret by now that the Iraq situation, grave and deteriorating as it is, hasn’t helped our standing as a military superpower. Also, I’d love to ask Colin Powell how much of a role he thinks he himself played in the marketing of this war. Still, the fact that he’s a hypocrite doesn’t negate the fact that he’s probably right, and that, unless the Bush Administration has some sort of secret army that it’s ready to call into action, North Korea really doesn’t have much to fear from us losing our patience.

Who knows? Maybe the next tactic is for Christopher Hill to hold his breath until North Korea agrees to disarm.

Most of you know this already, but let me put it here for future reference:

I hate professional basketball.

I don’t know why, except that maybe I grew up watching the Warriors play, or maybe because half of the teams in the whole league make the playoffs, but the NBA, especially during the regular season, seems to me to be either stupidly boring or unreasonably dangerous. I don’t have much to say about this past weekend’s nastiness, other than it’s not all that surprising that it happened.

This isn’t to say that I’ll always hate it. I’m trying to find some things to like, and to date, while the league is still pretty stupid, they seem to have some really creative ways to objectify women. My particular favorite are the Dunking Dancers. I don’t really know anything about them and I’ve only seen their photographs on the web, but I’m going to go ahead and let you ponder all that this photograph suggests:

I don’t understand what I’m looking at, exactly, but I like it. If this is what halftime is like in the NBA, then maybe I need to give pro hoops a second chance.

You ever watch Tony Snow’s White House Press briefings? It’s like watching someone try to give a really big dog an enema while it’s running through a cornfield.

It occurred to me that Friday’s press briefing had kind of a contentious tone, like maybe the press is getting a little tired of Tony Snow’s bullshit every day. It reminded me of someone getting grilled by their boss about something, and so I’ve posted a small tidbit here, to demonstrate what I’m talking about.

The thing is, you need to pretend that the press corps is the Vice President of Synergy, and that he’s called Tony in to ask him some questions about the plan for the company’s “New Way Forward.” I’ve posted the exact transcript with a couple of changes. The President has been replaced with “Little Johnny,” Donald Rumsfeld is now “Creepy Gonzalez,” and Robert Gates is replaced with “Billy Hotpants.”

Vice President of Synergy: “So, where is Little Johnny in the process of determining the new way forward? Are consultations continuing?”

Tony: “Yes.”

VP: “With whom?”

T: “Well, with whomever he wishes to speak with. I mean, the point is there is not — this is not something – Little Johnny now has got a lot of people doing a lot of work. He’s going to ask them to report back to him on a number of tasks that have been assigned. This would include people in Accounts Payable, it will include people at Human Resources, it will include those gathering information in the mailroom.

“There are also ongoing consultations with other executives and other companies. So it is not — I cannot tell you exactly who he’s going to be talking about on which day, because, frankly, that will evolve in terms of the information he thinks he needs and the people he needs to speak to.”

VP: “Has he given them deadlines?”

T: “Not that I’m aware of.”

VP: “And do you have anything further on when he, himself, is likely to make an announcement?”

T: “No.”

VP: “How much of the policy will reflect Creepy Gonzalez and how much Billy Hotpants? Will we still see the fingerprints of Gonzalez on this?”

T: “You’ve got to understand that Little Johnny is the person responsible for making the decision, so it will be Little Johnny’s decision. And there will be many people who have input, so I think the most important thing is Little Johnny does, of course, accept responsibility for crafting a new way forward. And there are a lot of people who are going to be involved in the process, but, ultimately, he is the one who has to make the important decisions.”

So, if you were the boss, how do you think Tony’s answers would hold up?

The guys at Yahoo! Sports must really love us poor Giants fans. They’ve had this article up on their front page all week. In fact, it’s the only story that hasn’t dropped from the top all week. My guess is that someone who works there is a real sadist, and wants me to read shit like this over and over every day:

Few in the organization are at all pleased about another year in the clutches of Bonds’ swings of mood and entitlement, particularly as they’ll host a Bonds Watch more bloated than last season’s, which, by bloated standards, was a Pedro Gomez short of full distention.

If nothing else, they’ve put off the decade-long personal services contract – which will pay him $1 million annually – for another year. Who knows what that’ll entail. Maybe they’ll throw in a little more if he promises not to service them, personally or publicly.

Ouchy. In the meantime, the Boston Red Sox are giving a clinic on how to handle a rough offseason free-agent market: Spend money and make smart trades. Am I the only one that is beginning to thing that maybe Brian Sabean isn’t the big fat genius we all thought he was when he got Jeff Kent for a bag of cheetos and a ticket to Beach Blanket Babylon?

The thing about every Giants offseason is, it sucks even more than the onseason. A lot of eyebrows were raised when the Sox put up more than $100 million dollars for maybe the only pitcher in the world who throws the Gyroball. To those eyebrows, I say put yourself on my brow, furrowed as it is, as I watch the Giants trot out a group of has-beens and can’t-bes who make collectively less than that guy’s entire contract.

The Red Sox needed pitching, and so they got a guy who could very likely come in and be a fearsome starter for a brazilian dollars. That’s not really such a bad idea, is it? The Red Sox also needed bullpen help, and so they pulled off a trade for Brendan Donelly and signed J.C. Romero, two serviceable and proven arms who, I would assume, could have been had by any number of teams. Some would call the San Francisco Giants a “team.”

Out here in San Francisco, where the offseason starts in August every year, I’m beginning to thing we need a new vision in the front office.

“I think the lineup is better than OK,” Magowan said. “I think the pitching has a lot of potential, but let’s face facts, it also has a lot of uncertainty, as does the closer situation.”

And yet…

The Giants hope a healthier Armando Benitez, in a contract year, finally can earn some of the $21.5 million the team invested in him.

(Cue the sound of me barfing while trying to scream “Deeds, not words!”)

Maybe it’s too early to start calling for Sabean’s head, but fuck it. If the Giants go into spring training without any major moves or signings this year, this guy will be the first (or maybe third or fourth) one to scream for the hook.

I’m sure you know that Augusto Pinochet just died. By many accounts, he was a pretty bad guy, and like Kenneth Lay before him, he took the easy way out of a trial and sentencing by dying.

Still, his funeral sounds like it was a good time:

Defense Minister Vivianne Blanlot was noisily booed as she arrived as the government’s only representative at the military funeral for the general who supporters say saved Chile from communism by toppling an elected Marxist president and presiding over a hard-line government that killed thousands of foes.

Booing at a funeral is totally hilarious. Let me go on record as saying that, if I ever die, I want someone to get booed off stage during my funeral. Get a really horrible comedian to do a routine during the memorial, then just boo the shit out of him. It’ll be a lot of fun, and Rodney Dangerfield and I will have a good laugh.

Tony Snow on the President’s upcoming book report on the Iraq War:

“It’s a complicated business and there are a lot of things to take into account,”

Seriously. I mean, I totally couldn’t agree more. Good thing we took all those things into account way back in 2003 when your boss started this stupefying quagmire.

The really embarrassing business here is that the Bushies are simply soliciting information from everyone available, not so they will have a wealth of information, but so they can justify minimal changes in our approach to the war by saying “Well, we had folks other than the Iraq Study Group working on this, and they told Baker and Hamilton to go jump in the lake.”

While Bush welcomed the report as “very constructive,” he made clear he was still waiting for separate Pentagon and State Department reviews. “We’ve got to get the right way forward, this is where Baker-Hamilton helps,” Bush said.

Good thing that the State Department and the Pentagon are weighing in along with a bipartisan, independent panel. Sounds like a fantastic way to get a balanced view of the state of things. I’d have a lot more respect for Bush if he just came out and told the truth about the whole deal: “Thanks for the report, B-H. I can’t comment on it right now until someone washes Dick Cheney’s shit off the table of contents.”

All due respect, miss Holly Ramer, but the lead for your article today is missing something:

“First there was Clinton time. Now there’s Obama time.”

And by something, I mean “urban appeal.” Nobody under fifty is likely to read your pale yellow journalistic blah blah until you realize that your lead should read:

“First there was Hammer Time, then there was Clinton time. Now, it’s STOP… Obama time!”

Feel free to put your hand up like you’re stopping something as you type in the word “STOP!” It’ll add a little something to that stuffy tone of yours, and maybe set a funny new precedent for next year’s AP Style Manual!

Speaking of precedential campaigns, (sorry) B-Oba is in New Hampshire today, which is about as exciting to me as it is unexpected. I mean, I’d love to see him run, but I’m really getting sick of hearing about it.

Should he decide to run, Obama said he looks forward to the rigorous questions for which New Hampshire voters are known.

“I love retail politics,” he said. “Though you never know whether you’re ready for anything until you do it. I certainly enjoy sitting in folks’ living rooms, hearing about what’s important to them.”

Yawn. Until he actually starts showing up in folks’ living rooms, I’ll be waiting for “Gore Time.” I happen to think that the GT is totally bitchin’.

Yup, the San Francisco Giants sure are getting younger these days. Seems like only yesterday we were listening to owner Peter Magowan concede that, when it comes to Barry Bonds, maybe “Stay the Course” was a bad policy. It wasn’t yesterday, but this article was written October 3rd of this year. By a moron:

It wasn’t as if a figurative tsunami hit Giants headquarters Monday afternoon at 24 Willie Mays Plaza. But even a blindfolded umpire could see that a definite and long overdue sea change has taken place for a Giants team in desperate need of change.

Do tell…

“We know older and experienced hasn’t worked,” Sabean said. “By virtue of going down that path and being below .500, finishing third. We’ve been extremely disappointed.”

The Giants, Sabean said, are going to see if having “younger and healthier” players works better.

Amen, brother! If the rapture’s today, someone grab my steering wheel! Mission accomplished!

You can imagine the surprise of this Giants fan when these headlines came to pass:

Giants re-sign second baseman Durham to 2-year deal
(Durham is 35)

Giants reach agreement with Dave Roberts
(Roberts is 34)

Giants reach deals with Aurilia, Feliz
(Aurilia is 35. Feliz is horrible. And 31)

Giants Finalize Deal with Catcher Molina
(Molina is 32, which is like 40 in catcher years.)

Even so, I figured the Giants must know something I don’t. Like maybe they were building a time machine to go back and sign Vladimir Guerrero like I said they should have. Still, I felt that maybe Magowan had been spending too much time in the used Carly Simon section looking for bargains rather than springing for the new Carrie Underwood album, all sealed up with that neat little red line that you pull on to open it for the first time.

And so, when it was announced that the Giants are paying at least sixteen million dollars to sign a 43-year old who will miss at least one game a week when he’s healthy, I shouted rather loudly, “Heavens to Betsy!” or something like that.

So Magowan lied to me. He lied to everyone, including his wife. If the President of the United States can be impeached for lying about a blowjob, then how is it that this man is still allowed to walk around free as a bird, throwing caution to the wind and throwing around quotes like this:

“It’s a tough decision,” Magowan said. “But the decision’s going to be made on what gives the Giants the best chance to win. It’s not going to be made on what gives the Giants the best chance to fill up a ballpark or some marketing situation.”

Liar! Mentiroso! Menteur!

So now we have two professional sports franchises in San Francisco who are owned by gigantic, lying assholes. How did it come to this? I don’t mind being lied to about certain things by certain people in certain situations, but this is no longer acceptable. I’d love to think that Brian Sabean isn’t done, that he might find some time to maybe go out and find a starting pitcher or a closer who doesn’t force me to watch Seinfeld during the ninth inning of every Giants game, but you know, I’d like to think a lot of things.

Scientific American reports that llama blood is a fantastic tool for detecting bioterror. I swear to Christ I’m not making it up. Check this shit out:

Llamas are not just for transportation anymore. It turns out that the animals’ blood could be useful for detecting all sorts of maladies in the surrounding environment–from deadly pathogens to industrial emissions. A research effort has done just that, manipulating a rare type of antibody found in llamas to make an inexpensive and diverse biosensor.

Now, this might come as unwelcome news to you if you’re a llama. Who can read. And has internet access. Nevertheless, I’m envisioning an entire ridiculous army of llamas, coats dyed with the seal of the Department of Homeland Security, lined up on the borders of this great country, ready to detect threats from bioterrorism and industrial waste. Someone wake the President, goddammit! If this isn’t living in the future, then what the hell is?

Clement Furlong, a researcher in medical and genomic sciences at the University of Washington notes that the “huge advantage” of these heavy-chain-only antibodies “is that you can make them by fermentation in microbial systems and make a lot of antibodies inexpensively.” Then, he adds, “you have extremely inexpensive reagents, so you can then develop technologies for Third World countries as well as First World countries.”

Riiiight. Let me be at least the fifth person to ask, “What the fuck are you talking about, man?” We’re going to use llama blood to ferment special reagents to detect microbial terrorism plots? That is some serious next-level shit, and I’m excited to be a part of it.

All I’m saying is, if someone comes to me a few years from now and tells me that President Bush’s Secret Llama Blood Anti-Terrorism program saved the entire eastern seaboard from a smallpox attack, I’ll vote Republican for the rest of my life. And go to church. On Monday morning.

Happy birthday, asshole!

All sorts of Hollywood types showed up and the Maloof family, owners of the Sacramento Kings, gave him a diamond-crammed watch worth nearly $50,000…

…Owens rated this his best party yet. He also called the watch from the Maloofs “definitely, by far, the best gift I’ve ever received.”

“I think it’s about 6 1/2 carats. It’s definitely an eye-catcher,” he said. “I started to wear it today in practice, but, you know, I didn’t want to blind anyone.”